8 Women I Would Have Rather Not Seen Naked

Monday, April 30th, 2007

I’ve always said that no breast is a bad breast. Once at a concert I somehow convinced a mother and a daughter to show us their breasts simultaneously. Neither were anything spectacular, and the guys I was with tried to act like it was gross and I was disgusting for using the powers of the force for the dark side. But that didn’t stop them from looking did it?

Sometimes I don’t think I’ll be satisfied until I’ve seen all the breasts of the world.

I have to say, though… Just because I want to see them doesn’t mean I’m always GLAD I saw them.

After the jump I’m going to share with you eight women that I would have rather not seen naked and why. Bear in mind that some of these women are super hot and the trauma of seeing them nude has more to do with the circumstances of said nudity than the actual nudity itself.

(NSFW)

1. Britney Spears

Before she went batshit crazy, you know Britney was freaking hot. I’ve wanted to see her in Playboy since the first time I saw her dancing around in that catholic school girl outfit talking about hit me one more time. After seeing this it ALMOST made me never ever want to see another Japanese upskirt video. Look, I know she’s had kids and done lots of drugs, but so has my wife and she is still smoking hot. My wife doesn’t even have the benefit of endless cash, nothing else to do and personal assistants to help her. And she even had to get back in shape own her own too. If Britney is going to flash her cooch, she should do it like Sharon Stone did…classy.

How I choose to remember her:

2. Brooke Burke

This may be a little controversial, but when I saw Brook Burke’s Playboy spread awhile back there was something about it that bothered me so bad it has become the poster child to me for why things are better left to the imagination sometimes. My wife and I still often joke about it, “maybe not, she might be another Brooke Burke!” Now far be it from my ugly ass to criticize some tiny flaw on a breathtakingly beautiful woman, but her nipples were so weird that I just couldn’t get past it. I can’t describe it, and honestly looking at these pictures now, I don’t even see what it was. Maybe you can’t see it on a small internet picture. I don’t know. Either way, whether it was my imagination or not, it has haunted me ever since so I wish I had never seen it.

How I choose to remember her: The last time I saw her before I was haunted by the nipple

3. Kathy Bates

Do i really need to say anything here? I had to force myself to go find this.

How I choose to remember her: I don’t really care if I remember her or not, but I’ll just use this as a good excuse to post this clip again.

4. Nicole Kidman

It’s not that I was disappointed in Nicole Kidman at all. She’s smoking hot. This is just depressing as hell, though. If this is what sex with Nicole Kidman is like, I would rather make out with a blow-up doll. At least I wouldn’t have to cuddle with it later. I know at the time they were married and sex with your spouse is about as exciting as masturbating to the underwear section of a JC Penney catalog, but even the 10-seconds of lovin’ I can give my wife every few weeks puts more of a gleam in her eye than this. Maybe this was just “acting” and that’s what she was supposed to be doing, but it still doesn’t make it any less disappointing to see her this way.

How I choose to remember her: I have no idea what this is. I just found it while looking around for her pictures from Eyes Wide Shut. But I have officially decided that this is how I’d like to remember her. Naked, bent over and waiting for me.

5. Halle Berry

Here we have another victim of circumstance. I finally get to see her naked..but at the same time I have to see her with Billy Bob Thornton? At least put her with Brad Pitt. Sheesh. There is one good thing about this. If she can even act like she is attracted to Billy Bob Thornton, then I at least have a chance.

How I choose to remember her: Naked without Billy Bob Thornton

6. Janet Jackson

The nip-slip was actually fantastic in and of itself. I even liked the nipple clamp. The only reason I wish I had not seen her naked was because she made it harder to see other hot chicks naked on TV.

How I choose to remember her: Like I said this really didn’t have anything to do with seeing Janet Jackson’s breast. That was awesome and just the way I’d like to remember Janet.

7. Paris Hilton

I don’t even want to see this waste of sperm WITH clothes on, much less without.

How I prefer to remember her: The best she’s ever looked is at the end of this clip.

8. This chick

Using Google image search can be scary. Very scary.

How I prefer to remember her: I’m trying my best to forget

ONE WOMAN I NEVER WANTED TO SEE NAKED BUT AM GLAD I DID

Chyna

Chyna always left me feeling very confused. I just couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I was turned-on by a man who could kick my ass. I was very glad to see that she is, indeed, a woman.

ONE WOMAN I HOPE I NEVER SEE NAKED THAT MAY SURPRISE YOU

Jessica Alba

If you’ve been to either one of my sites more than once you know that I worship Jessica Alba. I would drink her bath water. But I never want to see her naked, because in my mind she is perfect. Flawless. An angel that walks amongst us. When that inevitable day comes that she takes it all off even the tiniest flaw will destroy everything I believe about what God is capable of.

Think about it…I bet she has been offered shitloads of money to get naked and has never done it. Why do you think that is? Sure, sure there is a slight possibility that it might be because of integrity or something equally ridiculous like that. I shudder to think it’s maybe because she has a third nipple.

Or this tattoo.

So Jessica, i implore you…don’t do it. I won’t be able to not look and I don’t know if my heart could take it if you turned to not be the flawless angel I know in my heart that you are.