There Are A Million Ways To Die, Here Are 10 I Pray Don’t Happen To me

Monday, April 23rd, 2007

We’re all gonna die. It’s inevitable. You never know when or how. And if you’re like me and you’ve never done anything great in your life it may be one of the only things most people remember about you.

When I go, I’ll admit I would like to be remembered for going out courageously but the chances of that are slim. No, I’ll probably go out in some horribly embarrassing way and be remembered for it forever and ever amen. Out of all the embarrassing ways to die, If I end my time on this Earth in one of these 10, the first thing I’m going to say to the divine entity I meet up with is, “Ha, Ha, Ha, very funny motherfucker”

1. During an Inspirational Speech
Deep Blue Sea
“Alright everybody, everything’s under control. We’re going to get awa….”

“Jeez, What a douchebag…and a liar”

2. On the toilet
Pulp Fiction
Just because Elvis did it doesn’t make it cool. How many jokes have you heard over the years about Elvis dying on the can. I don’t want the last memory of me to be that I died taking a shit. I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time sitting on the pot in my life, I don’t want my eternal memory to be tainted with the smell of shit. I probably wouldn’t have wiped thoroughly either and then everybody would be thinking I didn’t know how to wipe my ass for all eternity.

3. On an outdoor toilet
Jurassic Park
Sure, yeah, getting eaten by a dinasaur would be a pretty freakin’ cool way to go out. As long as you aren’t on an outdoor toilet at the time. I can hear my boys now, “Well that goofy bastard had diarrhea so bad he couldn’t wait until we got back to the house so he got his ass ate by a fucking T-Rex while he was squirting.” What a lovely way to be remembered.

4. In the toilet
Deep Rising
Is it obvious I’m terrified I’m going to die on the throne? I’d rather die ON the throne than IN the throne though.

5. Getting caught by a slow zombie
Shaun of the Dead
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…You gots to be a stupid motherfucker to get caught by a slow zombie. When the dead rise up and walk the earth we’ll know for sure whether they’re fast or slow. And if they’re slow and I get caught by one, you have complete free reign to make fun of my death because I couldn’t sideswipe something that moves slower than a crippled grandmother.

6. In a woodchipper
Fargo
Just….no. Not a woodchipper. No. But if that’s the way it’s got to be at least put me in headfirst so I don’t have to watch it.

7. Getting squashed
Final Destination
There a million ways to get squashed and they all suck. A huge pane of glass could fall on me. A tranquilizer could hit a big fat lady in the upper deck above me at a baseball game and she could fall on me. I could get stomped by a rampaging monster. There would be absolutely nothing left of me but a greasy spot of goo for someone to slip in. So not only would I be a grease spot, I’d be one that made people slip and fall. Keep ya head up.

Bonus Squashing

8. Because I wasn’t paying attention
Final Destination
My parents taught me to look both ways before crossing the street. It’s pretty much common knowledge. So if I step into a busy street without looking and get creamed by a bus I will not only shame myself, but my entire family.

9. Before I have sex one last time
Friday the 13th, Part IV
Everytime I’m in the woods I pretty much assume I’m going to get killed by a psycho hillbilly. If I’m in the woods where countless people have been killed for the past three movies, I know I’m going to die. Just let me get my nut off first. Is that too much to ask?

10. Pummelled to death with a giant penis
Clockwork Orange
Smother me with vagina. Bludgeon me with breasts. But please lord don’t let me get beaten to death with a giant penis.
UPDATE: Woohoo, thanks Digg user iamsam28t for finding the clip. Guess I gave up a little too quickly.

TWO WAYS I WOULD LIKE TO GO

In a blaze of glory
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
I’m going down in a blaze of glory
Take me now but know the truth
I’m going down in a blaze of glory
Lord I never drew first
But I drew first blood
I’m no ones son
Call me young gun
Bon Jovi, Blaze of Glory

Chased down by naked women
Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life
‘Nuff said

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