Thou Shalt Love Boobs, Because The Bible Tells Us So

Friday, April 11th, 2008

Every now and then I get a little grief for my love of boobs. I don’t know why. It’s not like I mention them too often or anything. But God gave women boobies and not us. So, like children, of course we’re going to want what we don’t have.

For today’s Breast Fanatic Friday I’m going to prove to you that God intended for us to love boobies, and who am I to disobey God?

Songs of Solomon 1:13

My beloved is to me a bag of myrrh, that lies between my breasts. Behold, you are beautiful, my beloved, truly lovely. Our bed is green.

According to Wikipedia:

Myrrh is a constituent of perfumes and incense, was highly valued in ancient times, and was often worth more than its weight in gold. Read more…

It doesn’t take too much stretching to see that the Bible is telling us that boobs are precious, sought after and worth more than they’re weight in gold.

More Bible Verses taken out of context and wholly misinterpreted to prove my sacrilegious point after the jump

Songs of Solomon 4:1

Behold you are beautiful my love. Your lips are like a scarlet thread your cheeks are like halves of a pomegranate, your neck like the tower of David. Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.

“Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle” - Graceful, beautiful and easily gazed upon for their beauty.

Song of Solomon 7:7-9

Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of its fruit. May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine, the fragrance of your breath like apples, and your mouth like the best wine.

“May your breasts be like clusters on the vine”…full, round, bountiful and juicy. Just like Keeley here.

Songs of Solomon 8:8

We have a little sister, and she has no breasts. What shall we do for our sister on the day when she is spoken for? I was a wall, and my breasts were like towers.

“…breasts were like towers” - Strong, firm, immobile. Obviously a resounding endorsement for breast implants.

Luke 23:48

And all the people that came together to that sight, beholding the things which were done, smote their breasts, and returned.

Who doesn’t like smiting thy breasts on occasion?

Nahum 3:6, The New Jerusalem Bible

I shall lift your skirts as high as your face and show your nakedness to the nations, your shame to the kingdoms.

Flashing is as old and as natural as life itself. They probably did it for bread instead of beads, but still. So to all ladies, next time you’re at a concert, sporting event or bar mitzvah, feel free to let them hang out.

Ezekiel 23:20-21

You longed for….. youth, when in Egypt your buttocks were caressed and your young firm breasts fondled.

See, boobs were put there for touching.

Ezekiel 23:8

……for in her youth men had lain with her and handled her youthful teats and ejaculated upon her breasts.

I’m trying to keep this one SFW, so I got nothing here. I think you get the idea.

Proverbs 5:18

Rejoice with the wife of your youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; Let her breasts satisfy you at all times.

Can I get an AMEN

Don’t Breastfeed Your Baby Anywhere - Click here for another funny movie.