Variety Is The Spice Of Life

Thursday, January 25th, 2007

It started as a throwaway comment on my “random thoughts” post from yesterday. Then I realized I could probably get a full blown post out of it. Then I got REALLY carried away…

I’m not usually one to complain about having choices. Variety truly is the spice of life. Every time Wendy’s, or any fast-food, restaurant has some kind of special limited-time only sandwich, that’s what I’m going to order. Some people don’t like to step outside of their comfort zone when it comes to things like this, but not I. Take the other day for instance, I stopped at a gas station to get a Mountain Dew on the way to work and right there at the checkout counter was a “limited-time only” Kit Kat with caramel inside. I like Kit Kats. I love caramel. I bought one. The two great tastes of Kit Kat and caramel should make a delicious breakfast, right? Mmmmm…not so much. There wasn’t anything inherently wrong with it, but it wasn’t great by any means. I would prefer JUST a Kit Kat or JUST caramel candy. Just because you can “upgrade” the original candy bar, doesn’t mean you should.

Then I went to Wal-Greens at lunch for no real reason except to get out of the office for a little while. I was strolling down the candy aisle when I noticed a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup with Marshmallow. I started to scrutinize the candy aisle. There on the aisle sat Reeses With Caramel, Dark Chocolate Reese’s, Double Chocolate Reese’s, Fudge Reese’s, Honey Roasted Peanut Butter Reese’s, Reese’s Inside Out, Reese’s Peanut Butter Lover’s, White Chocolate Reese’s, etc. etc.

It wasn’t just Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups either. There were Kit Kats with Caramel, Kit Kats Chocolate Mocha, Kit Kats Coffee, Kit Kats Triple Chocolate, Kit Kats Extra Creamy, Kit Kats Extra Crispy, Kit Kats Dark Chocolate, White Chocolate Kit Kats and though there weren’t any at this Wal-Greens, I’ve heard rumor of orange, strawberry, vanilla, mint, and even freaking Green Tea Kit Kats.

Of course I’ve seen all or most of these at one time or another, but then I saw a candy “upgrade” that I had never seen before - a 100 Grand with Coconut and a Nestle’s Crunch with Coconut. It all began to seem rather absurd. Candy has gotten out of control and just when you think you’ve got every variety of enhancements to your favorite candy bar, a new one comes along. How many people can there really be out there who just had to have coconut added to their 100 Grand?

I suppose it’s in our politically-correct nature as a society to try to please everyone and fill every little niche. However, much like sexual fetishes, there is someone out there for everything under the sun. It really got me thinking…when does it stop? How far can you go?

Let’s take a look shall we…

Nestle Crunch With Ketchup
Nestle is proud to announce the addition of a bold new flavor to it’s Nestle Crunch lineup. Nestle with Ketchup. When asked about the seemingly odd decision, Nestle VP of Flavor Research and Development, Mike Hunt, had this to say, “We are constantly trying to push the envelope of flavor upgrades here at Nestle. With all the viscous candies - caramel, nougat, chocolate etc. - already being used in our products we sought to tap into the flavors of condiments. None of our competitors have even come close to this type of innovation in the candy bar market. You’ve heard of people who “put ketchup on everything”? This is the candy bar for those people.”

Hunt also surprised the candy world by verifying that plans are already underway to dominate the condiment/candy bar market by expanding the line into many other toppings. Mustard, mayonnaise, soy sauce, barbeque sauce and ranch dressing were all mentioned.

After the announcement Nestle stock dropped to an all time low.

Skittles Vegetable Flavor
In a bold move to capture health-food nuts, vegetarians and parents whose children won’t eat their vegetables, Skittles Vegetable flavor has hit store shelves. With every fruit flavor already accounted for in their vast line-up of flavors and some even made up - have you ever seen a blue raspberry - this candy maker now wants you to “Taste The Garden” as they make the leap into the untouched world of vegetable-flavored candy. The initial launch includes Vegetable Skittles and Organic Vegetable Skittle flavors. Future plans include Vegetables That Grow Underground and There Are Starving Kids In This World flavors.

To quote one excited Vegan who reeked of patchouli oil and weighed approximately 95 pounds, “Duuude, these are fucking nasty, but there are no animal by products used to make them so it’s pretty much the only thing I can eat.”

Snickers with Bacon
For every health food nut in this world there is a manly-man who isn’t afraid to stand up and proudly proclaim, “I triple-size my value meal” and “Can I get a Diet Coke with that?”. For those men and dykes, Snickers is pleased to announce Snickers with Bacon. The candy bar for the man who doesn’t care if grease drips down his chin onto his shirt. The candy bar for the man who not only eats every bite of his steak, but also chows down on the fat. The candy bar for the man who smokes Marlboro Reds and drinks regular Budweiser. The candy bar for the man who thinks turkey bacon is for queers.

Snickers delivery truck driver, Ben Dover, had this to say about this innovative new snack, “It’s about fucking time. Bacon makes everything taste better. Everything. They’ve put bacon on hamburgers, in green beans, in pork ‘n’ beans, wrapped steaks and shrimp with it. Someone finally got a durn clue and put it in a candy bar.”

In totally unrelated news, high blood pressure and heart attacks have risen sharply since the introduction of this indulgence.

Reese’s with Seafood Gumbo
With New Orleans a tender spot in the American psyche, Reese’s leverages its position to capitalize the newfound love for this southern city with the announcement of Reese’s with Seafood Gumbo. Having put nearly everything else in the signature peanut butter cup, they’ve taken candy fillings to an entirely new level by using this cajun delicacy. As an added bonus, field test results indicate that the patented blend of sugar and hot sauce cause 8 out of 10 women to show their tits. However only 5 out of 10 were under forty and only 2 out of 10 were attractive.

Kit Kat Malt Liquor
Break one stick off and throw it out for your homie that ain’t here. Add a little bling-bling to your snacking habits. Most candies have taken advantage of the ever-growing popularity of gourmet coffees, but Kit Kat is the first to capitalize on the always popular malt liquor market. “Many people don’t drink coffee,” says Billy Dee Williams, spokesperson for the new flavor line-up, “but everybody drinks beer of some kind. We’re hoping to bring this unique flavor to beer-drinkers who may have never had malt liquor before, or bring back the ones who stopped buying it after college when they started making money. And of course we have our core customers who are already 40 oz. drinkers.”

When asked about the specifics of co-branding with Colt-45 and would that turn off loyal customers of other malt liquor brands, Williams was quick to point out that negotiations were already under way for co-branding with the likes of Olde English 800, St. Ides, Mickey’s and King Cobra among others.

A interesting statistic regarding this candy shows that 90% of customers eat it out of a brown paper bag. The 10% of customers that don’t are bitch ass ho’s.
Caution: Consumption of this candy may impair your ability to drive, make you think you can dance, make you think your tougher/handsomer/prettier/meaner/cooler than you really are. If you are white and consume this candy it doesn’t make you “down” or give you permission to use the “n” word.

Hershey’s Breast Milk Chocolate
In an extremely controversial decision Hershey has released it’s long-in-development Breast Milk Chocolate. Opposition claims that this new delicacy is offensive and in poor taste. Hershey’s public relations shot back with evidence that not only is it delicious, but it’s also good for you. It’s a well-known fact that breast feeding babies boosts their immune system among other documented health bonuses. Hershey’s believes that the benefits of breast milk can be passed along to adults and older children as well by means of a candy bar.

A press release reads:

“We use cow’s milk, goat’s milk and soy milk. Now is the time for Mother’s Milk. We have no shortage of women willing to participate in the coming new age of chocolate. And the number of men volunteering to milk said women has been astounding even though we’re offering very low wages.

The chocolate produced from Mother’s Milk is a much creamier, silkier product. What is especially unique are the flavor variations with each candy bar. Since we can’t put women on farms and restrict their diets like we can livestock, their output changes daily depending on what they eat, the medicines they take, etc. One Hershey’s Breast Milk Chocolate bar may have a hint of pepperoni if the donor had pizza for lunch. Another may get you high if she took two Vicodin.

We have, however, asked our women to restrict their intake of certain products, including, but not limited to, asparagus, garlic, sardines, and crystal meth. ”

Opinions on the street vary from person to person. Some comments from people coming out of the Hershey’s store in Times Square:

“I love it. I mean, I’ve always wanted to try it, but I was too scared to drink it straight from the tap, if you know what I mean”, says one gentlemen.

“Disgusting, exploitative, and sexist. I can’t believe America has come to this.” says one woman. When asked if she felt that way because she had very tiny breasts and was turned down as a donor, she refused to comment.

“Those pictures that showed up of me on the internet licking my best friends breasts didn’t mean we were lesbians. I was just curious….about her breast milk, I mean. Now, I can have it without the embarrassment or the strap-on.” says another lady.

Only time will tell if Breast Milk Chocolate is merely another passing fad that will end up being a mere blip on the radar of pop culture or if we’ll start seeing gallons of breast milk on grocery store shelves.

Until then, we can either choose to merely suckle at the teat of life or dive headfirst into the cleavage of this world and let it knock us around with its giant breasts and enjoy the ride.

All source files for the candy bar packages came from Mike’s Candy Wrapper Page. That dude loves him some candy bars, that’s for sure.

If you like this post, be sure to check out this one featuring some Disney character switcheroos, or go here for a few of my personal favorite posts.